I don’t know what’s been going on with me lately, but I seem to be depressed more and more. Is it because here I’ve turned 27-years-old and I’m still without a boyfriend? I don’t know. I sometimes feel like I’ve given up on life and chasing my dreams. I feel like it’s just not worth it.
Being less than three years away from being 30 and never even know what it feels like to have someone other than friends and family tell me I beautiful and wanted and loved, that just seems like nothing more than a dream that will never be. Over the years I thought it was because I was over weight and didn’t fit in with society’s view of what makes a girl pretty, not beautiful, just pretty. I’ve tried being what society thinks a woman should look like and I just go back to being the Tomboy that I am. Who cares if I don’t like wearing skirts or dresses and I actually hate make-up even though every now and then I’ll wear it. When I “act” like a girl, my self esteem boosts just a little but then flat-lined again when I realize that all that effort gets me nowhere.
Day after day I watch people fall in love, fall out of love, find that one special person, get married, have kids, for God’s sake, they have a life. Where do I fit in? The majority of the people I graduated high school with are either married, divorced, have kids (whether they know about them or not), or have pursued their dreams and I can’t even get anyone even slightly interested. Instead I’m stuck at home dreaming of meeting celebrities I will actually never meet and being whisked away from this small town I’m stuck in. Or the only wayto get the attention of the opposite sex is by getting moderately to severely injured.
What did I do in a past life to deserve this? I’m not a social person and I know that is one of my problems. Knowing that my Celiac disease is hereditary keeps me from wanting to pass it on to any children I might someday have. Being a Celiac already complicates my life as it is, why drag some innocent person into it. If I were to go on a date, I have no choice but to be a picky eater in a restaurant. How will that come off to someone who doesn’t understand the disease and the problems that unfortunately go along with it?
I know that one day I will make sure I leave Bishop, but when, who knows. Is it so much to ask for someone who wants to surprise me with flowers every now and then, just because? Or at the very least, just make me feel like a someone that’s worth it? Whatever “it” may be.
I’m sorry to anyone reading this. I haven’t really had any self esteem for quite some time. Do you blame me? The last time I heard the exact words “Will you go out with me?” I was 14 and it was the first time I had been asked out. It was nothing more than a cruel joke that embarrassed me in front of the entire class. The person who said it, I might have considered going out with. At the school dances, I seemed to always be the one to “make the first move” and it seemed like every slow dance for me was “girls’ choice”. Rarely did a guy approach me unless they felt sorry for me. I’ve caught the bouquet at three weddings. I don’t blame Sarah and Ruth for wanting to do a makeover on me. And to be honest, I think I want it.
I don’t want to change to please others, but I don’t know how I’ll ever know if I’m that someone special for someone if I don’t. I don’t see how I have a choice. I can’t keep up this depression, this not knowing this wondering and dreaming. I keep telling myself that I just need to come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be happy like others around me. That I’ll never marry and never watch a family grow before my eyes, always growing too fast. I don’t want to be set up, but at this point I think I’ll take what I can.
There are times when I don’t believe that I’m 27. Maybe it’s because I would like to slow time down just a bit so my life doesn’t feel so empty at times. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and friends. They have given me all the support I could ever want from them and will never ask for more than that. But I still feel like there is something missing. Almost all of my cousins are married and almost all of them have kids. I don’t know if they’ll ever get to see beyond the front I put up to protect my sanity and get to see me truly happy.
I’m sorry to anyone who takes that chance with me. You’re going have to start out with damaged goods. Please just do your best to fix me and put the pieces back where they belong.
I think it’s time for me to find some way to be happy. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read my rambling and I’m sorry if this brings you down. I know it helps to pour your heart out and gets the feeling out in any way that you can. Trust me it helps. Don’t worry about me. I don’t think I’m capable of NOT dreaming. I think, some how, some way, I’ll be fine. I’ll survive.