Please make the tears stop…

WARNING: I’m going to vent again and might say some things I don’t necessarily mean. Deal with it. I’m pissed.

Depression sucks!! I never would have thought I’d get to this place that I’m at right now. I hate this dark feeling that has fallen over me this past week. Like I’ve said in past blog posts, I don’t know how to really vent in person and what can I say, I like to vent in writing. Nothing can get twisted and turned in a way that can be used against you in the future to make someone else look or feel better. I will deal with any repercussions that come of this. But after the week I’ve had, I have to get some things off my chest and I know this isn’t the best way to do it but it’s my way. If you can’t mind your own business and plan to turn me into the people I may talk about, get the fuck off of here and don’t read any further.

I can’t leave my feelings “at the door” like it’s been suggested to me in the past for some things I’ve talked about on the internet. Like anyone can. As humans we have feelings and those feeling can be more powerful than we can imagine. You can’t just shut certain ones off just to make others feel better. I bottle things up too much until I crack. Like I am now. I have been awake on this Saturday for two hours (and it’s only 1:30pm as I write this) and I have not cried for about 30 minutes since waking up.

What can I say, I hate my life. I love most of the people who are in it but I hate that I seem to have fallen into an abyss and don’t know how to climb out of it. Or if I really want to. I know I make others feel like shit when I’m this way and I truly am sorry for it. I know I should see a doctor about this, but cannot afford it even with insurance nor any medications that a doctor might prescribe. I don’t know if a pill can help me nor change the things in my life that have somehow pissed me off this much. I’m sorry but a pill won’t find me a job I love in a different place in this world, or find me a guy who is willing to take on the mental case I’ve become.

And to the people who will know what I’m talking about – me getting laid isn’t going to solve my problems either, so please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BACK OFF!!!!!!! Stop trying to get me to spread my legs for any guy who appears to be single that walks through the door. I believe in falling in love first. I’ve also realized that I’m probably never going to. Somehow I will learn to deal with it eventually. Right now though, I’m a mess and I know it. I’m trying to understand how my life turned out this way and why. I don’t know what I have done to deserve this. No guy that I’m even remotely attracted to, gives a damn about me. So why try? I’ve tried in the past and never got noticed. I don’t try, I don’t get noticed. What’s the point?

I’ve come to the understanding that the sole purpose of my life to take up someone else’s air and space. I don’t feel wanted by anyone other than my family and friends. While I’m grateful for that, I want to feel wanted by someone else but I don’t believe he’s out there and if he is, where? If by some miracle I do get to become a mother, I don’t have anything to share with a child. I don’t know what it’s like to get asked to a dance in school or go on a date at a young age (or any age for that matter). I don’t know what it’s like to go to party, be a rebel, get drunk (and I have no desire even now to get drunk, but have been tempted to lately) and be a disappointment for a short time. Instead, I have a life of being miserable to share. What kind of advice is that? I had my first kiss at 21 and I’m the one who kissed him because he was being a smart ass for a few days to me (he’s married now). I haven’t been kissed since.

The last thing for me right now is that can people stop talking to me like I’m five? I’m 28 for Christ’s sake! I’m not going to do anything you ask me to do if I’m treated like a child or an idiot. Don’t expect more of me than what I can give. Then make me feel like shit when I fail.

I’m sorry if I have upset or pissed any of you off. I know I have vented about that majority of this before. I’m sorry that I feel I have failed at life. I’m sorry I’m the only single, unmarried person at work. And last, I’m sorry if I have started to drag any of you into the darkness that is slowly consuming my soul. I’m sorry.

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3 thoughts on “Please make the tears stop…

  1. I don’t know why you are apologizing for your feelings. I wish I knew something magical to say to make you feel better. The fact that you recognize the depth of your depression is the first step to coming out of it. It is possible you could find the help you need at a health food store if you can’t afford medication. I do think you are going to have some help, at least to get out of that abyss.
    It is possible you don’t want to hear this, but you are not alone in how you feel. But what you do have is a family that loves you, and support you. Many don’t have that. It would be my advice to soak up that love. Even though you don’t like your job, you do have one. Imagine your level of panic if you didn’t know where your next meal was coming from. My point is, things could be much worse. To focus on the terrible parts of your life is only going to continue falling further and further into the miserable place you are in.

    “The only people that can drive you crazy are those you give the keys to”

    I have come to love you over the last several months, and I hope that you know that. I feel like you have so much to contribute to this world. Your passion for your baking and cooking insipres me. I still love your story about your trip to Disneyland when you found gluten free options. I think that’s a lesson we all could take to heart. There is always a way around the obstacles if we just take the giant leap to search for them. You are making a difference in my life, definitely not just taking up space.

    Love you!
    Momma Sherry

  2. I think you should see a doctor. They do not just prescribe medications, but also therapy. Or at least find someone on-line to talk about this, because your readers might not have experience with depression, but I am sure that there are message boards with people that have other solutions than seeing a doctor and taking medications.

  3. I just came across your blog from flashback friday… and started reading this post. I am DEFINITELY no expert… but I found myself in a similar situation a few years ago. I won’t go into details, but I can relate. Medicine can definitely help you if you are prescribed the right kind… of course, I can see the dilemma of not having the right insurance coverage. However, you could always talk to your doctor about getting a prescription that is covered under Walmart’s $4 plan. Also, I know maybe it sounds weird… but have you ever tried an online dating site? I was SO tired of not having any dating prospects. I didn’t go to bars or parties… I just basically worked and came home. There were really no guys to meet. So I went to Eharmony and met a couple of guys (but that didn’t work out so well)… and when my subscription was up, I decided to use Yahoo Personals (because you could browse profiles without having to pay until you found someone that you actually wanted to contact–or they contacted you). I felt really awkward at first, but that is where I met my (now) husband! And I know a number of different couples who met online as well. It might be worth a shot! (Plus, it’s fun and exciting to browse the profiles). I don’t think that you should give up hope on finding someone… maybe you just need a fresh approach! 🙂 Just remember: This Too Shall Pass!

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