I know I’ve written about my attempt at weight loss on here before, but I have to admit that after 2 1/2 years, I’m losing my motivation. In November 2007, when I was doctor ordered to lose weight, I didn’t think it was possible until a few months went by and I started seeing results. I started out at 275 pounds. In July 2009, almost 1 year ago, I weighed in at 225 pounds, my 50-pound-loss mark. I found that out when I was in San Diego for Comic Con. When I got home I realized that I was in a job that I don’t really want to do, but I am grateful for a job and now like what I do, I’m in a town I’m beginning to hate, and was left with the feeling that nobody wants me. Can we say hello depression?
Like I’ve said in a few other posts, I’ve never been on a date. I’m 28-years-old. I can’t help but feel like my four-year-old second cousin has a better shot at getting married and having children of her own than I do. All I’ve ever wanted was to have a family of my own, children I can call my own, but at the same time I wonder how anyone could want me at the size that I am. I know there are men out there that are actually capable of seeing beyond the outside image of someone, but I always seem to have a wall up around me that I just can’t break. I can’t let anyone see that side of me because in all honesty it scares the shit out of me. Why put even a part of that on someone else. This Friday is my friend’s birthday and she wants to have drinks in Mammoth. One, I don’t really drink. Second, when ever I go out with my friends they all get hit on and I get shoved to the side no matter how hard I try.
I can’t help but feel like I’m the most updatable person in the world. I also know that my food allergies and dietary restrictions due to my Celiac Disease has a lot to do with this feeling, but again it’s something that I can’t help and still that wall remains. When I started my diet, I thought my perception about myself and my body would change and then I could find someone. Yeah right.
Comic Con is once again just around the corner and I am sitting at almost 250 pounds. All I seem to want to do lately is sit. I can’t go to the gym because it’s way too uncomfortable and I can’t afford it. I can’t afford anything and I will be buying a car this year. I live in an apartment I’m afraid to have even my mom over because I don’t ever feel like picking up after myself. Yes I’m admitting it. I live in a pig sty and part of me hates it but yet I sit. None of my clothes fit me anymore but I gave away all of my fat clothes so I have to deal with pants that are now getting too tight around the middle.
Everyone keeps telling me that I will find love when I do, but I wonder when? When I 50 and no longer able to have children? Sure there’s artificial insemination if I get desperate. But do I want to know what it feels like to have a kid before I know what it’s like to have sex? While the movie The Back-Up Plan was hilarious, it would be my luck that I would get pregnant with twins but not have the guy to fall in love with both you and the un-born children.
I just want to get out of debt (good luck with that), move out of Bishop and find something that makes me happy for once in my miserable life. I’ve pretty much lost my motivation and am gaining all my weight back that I’ve worked so hard to get off. Since the beginning I’ve lost two almost three dress sizes, but have since gained one back.
I’m lost and don’t know what to do. I want the tears to stop again and I want my life back. Can someone just get me out of here please? I don’t want to feel like this anymore.