Along with my Project 365, I decided today to take on the challenge of Post a Day that WordPress is trying this year. I really do want to blog more and really open up to people this year. I will start by using one of suggestions by The Daily Post: Best Accomplishment of 2010?
I’ve been meaning to write about this for a month. One of the biggest thing I realized about myself in 2010 was that I get really, really depressed once it starts to get cold. It seemed like as soon as the temperatures dropped, my attitude about myself, my life and my surroundings plummeted. I didn’t know what to do or how to react. I didn’t even know how to ask for help. My family and friends watched me close myself off from the world and didn’t know how to reach me, the real me.
I gave up on everything in life. This is not where I saw myself being ten and a half years ago when I graduated from high school. All I could see of myself in 2010 was a complete and utter failure and not just to myself but to my family and friends as well. I thought I would be married with kids by now but I just went on my first date in July. However, I haven’t been on another one since. I know my parents want grandkids, but I’m still not sure if I’m completely ready myself. My mom has told me repeatedly that if she doesn’t get grandkids she’s okay with that. I know I want kids and as I approach 30 I feel like I’m losing my opportunity to have kids. I won’t jump into something that big without having a life first.
While traveling back from Southern California at the end of Thanksgiving weekend, I made the biggest decision of my life (and I really do consider this my biggest accomplishment of 2010). I went to the doctor and asked if there was such a thing as seasonal depression. She said that there was and there was a medical term for it but I don’t remember what it is. I told her everything I was feeling and how it was affecting my work and everyone around me. I always seemed to feel like there was a black cloud hanging over me and fogging up whatever path I was supposed to be on in life. I put things off as if they weren’t important when they really were. She decided to put me on Celexa which is an antidepressant. She warned me that it could take anywhere from two to four weeks to really start showing signs that it’s working or not.
Did I really reach this point? I never wanted to reach the point of taking antidepressants because I was afraid of how they would change my personality. Would I still be me?
The truth is, yes I am. I started taking the “happy pills” on December 4, 2010 and I started feeling the effects of them after about two weeks. I wake up in the morning and actually feel good about myself. It’s like I can live my life and when things are supposed to happen, they will, in their own time. I don’t feel like I need to rush certain things in life.
My family, friends and co-workers all see a change in me and tell me that they are proud of me for facing my fears of something that cannot be helped in life and asking for help. I feel like 2011 will be a brighter year for me. I will make sure things change for me in the direction I want them to go and I will not be afraid to face my fears.