Figuring Out Life

I had a whole post written up but I didn’t feel like typing it up. Instead I find myself watching House Hunters and My First Place on HGTV and I keep wondering where I fit in life. I don’t want this to sound like some of my posts during my depression because this is a different feeling. I just have a lot going on in my life right now and big decisions to make and don’t know where to begin. I don’t feel depressed, just unsure about where I fit in life.

It all comes down to getting out of debt. For the longest time I told myself that I would not get into credit card debt, but I now find myself at the point where I’m unsure where to start to get out. I know that I’m not as bad as some people my age, but at the same time I want to own something before I turn 30. I don’t have anything in my name. My car is legally my dad’s. I rent an apartment. I own nothing of significance.

The other thing that just bugs me, even now, is that I am still single. Being on antidepressants helps to calm me down about trying too hard (if that makes sense) to find someone just for the sake of being in a relationship before I’m thirty. But at the same time, I hate coming home to an empty apartment. I don’t have anyone to talk to and vent about the day without having to be on the phone. I am willing to admit that I have a crush on one of my neighbors but I cannot get up enough courage to do anything about it. To be honest, I’m afraid of falling in love. I’ve watched too many of my family and friends go through bad relationships. I know that I won’t necessarily fall into that myself but it’s a fear that has held me back.

I’ve done the whole online dating sites, but even there I was too afraid to open myself up fully. I’m just not sure where I truly fit in life. There have been way too many times where I have asked myself when will my life begin? I don’t feel like I’m 29 only because I don’t feel like I’ve lived up to my potential. There are so many things that I want to do with my life, but at the same time I don’t want to change in order to achieve those goals. I know my parents would be okay if I don’t have children of my own, but I wouldn’t. So many people have told me not to get married because it’s not worth the stress. I don’t care. I watch these young, married couples figure out their futures when I sit here wondering about mine.

I just need to sit down and figure out where I go from here.

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