Weight Loss Rollercoaster

Like a lot of people who have dieted in their life knows, losing weight is like being on a rollercoaster. You lose and gain, lose and gain. This is my second big attempt at reaching my goal weight of 175 lbs. I mainly want to be below 200 pounds and then I will go from there to see what looks healthy for me and what makes me feel happy about myself. Lately I’ve found it hard to stay focused on exercising and I know that I haven’t done as much as I need to in order to lose weight. I have been doing the yoga but I haven’t been doing it everyday like I wanted.

It has been really difficult this last week to stay focused with how busy I’ve been and then getting sick on top of it didn’t help either. The battery in my scale also died and I haven’t been able to weigh myself in almost a month. I’m getting kind of scared to step on it rather than being excited to see what progress I have made. This has been hard for me lately and I don’t know why. I’m finding myself going back to my old ways and I don’t want that. I like eating healthy but when I get sick I tend to crave sugar. Pure sugar. I typically eat frosting right out of the can when I don’t feel good or I feel down about myself. Last week I found myself doing that. There is a reason why I have tried to keep sugar out of my apartment. I don’t want it here because I know that I will not be able to control myself.

I cannot wait for the weather to warm back up so I can get out and go for walks and not be out of breath due to the cold before I reach the end of the block. I want to wear shorts this summer and not feel horrible about how big my legs are. I want to wear tighter fitting clothes and feel good about myself in them. I want to have confidence in myself that I don’t have now. I actually want to start wearing makeup and not feel like a dork in it. I want to feel beautiful on the inside and the outside. I’m working on the inside right now and I know I need to focus on the outside equally.

I shared a picture last year that I am ashamed of. It is a me that I never in my life thought I would get to. I will share it with you again.

June 2006

I took a picture of myself tonight that I never would dare to share with anyone, until today. I feel like I need to share it with the world and not be ashamed of myself. I know in my heart that I will get to my goal. I’m determined to do so and I need to not be ashamed of the person that I am and of the person I am trying to be. There are so many things I am missing out on in life because I have been ashamed to show people the real me. This is not who I want to be yet, but I am doing my best to get there.

Be comfortable with who you are.

When I shared the first picture I explained how The Biggest Loser has saved my life and tonight I found myself really listening in on the trainers and the advise they had to give. Then I watched NCIS: Los Angeles and it starts out with Kensi boxing. That is something that I have wanted to do but never would give it a try. I want to. Really. I don’t want to go to the gym here though. I have never felt comfortable in a gym and I believe that you can do just about anything outside that you can do in a gym. I prefer to walk outside in the fresh air. This summer I want to try to hike more. I live in one of the most beautiful areas in the world and have yet to take in all of the beauty this place has to offer. I might even have my cousin take me out rock climbing or bouldering when he’s in town and not off fighting a fire. 

I am afraid to open up to people and I know that is the main reason why I am still single. I know the hardest thing for me will be convincing myself that I AM WORTH IT AND I AM BEAUTIFUL.


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