Things Going Through My Head

Maybe it’s the drug-induced fogginess cause by my medication that has my head swimming lately but I just feel like I can’t focus because all of my energy goes into coughing. I just feel like I don’t know who I am right now and that kind of scares me. The low-dose steroid that I am on to hopefully kick this cold’s ass has a side effect that causes you to feel a little fuzzy in the head. I think I’m starting to feel that. Most of the time, I stand there wondering what I am going though in life and I’m trying to figure out where I fit in. I know I’m written about this before, but this feels different. So here are a few things that have been going through my head.

I am on week three of feeling like my lungs are just going to come up my throat and land in a puddle of goo at my feet. I am sick of the constant coughing and grasping my side so that I hopefully won’t get a hernia from how hard my body coughs. All I want to do right now is start my workouts again. I actually miss doing my yoga and walking and dancing like a fool in the comfort of an empty apartment. Yesterday I felt better than I did today and I’m wondering if this cold is going to kick my ass, more than it already has. I feel like I can’t lie on my stomach (like I am right now in bed) for very long because after just a few minutes I’m short of breath or hacking up my lungs. I’m tired all the time because the coughing has been causing the worst headaches and I feel like it’s never going to stop. I can’t afford the medication but have paid for it anyway in the hope that it will work and I can get on with my life. I sick of sleeping in until about 20 minutes before I have to be to work and I still run late because I feel like I’m not getting enough sleep. I’ve had a massive case of insomnia lately that I can’t get rid of. My throat is constantly raw and no matter what I do it stays.

I’m not on Twitter like I use to be. I’ve been prone to ignore texts from friends and I’m just not in the mood to do anything. I still read the various tweets on Twitter but I just don’t respond and hold conversations with my online friends like I used to and I miss that. I play Sudoku more than a person should be allowed to.

I feel like I’m shutting out the world again. I still take my happy pills faithfully and I know they work.

Tia’s blog keeps me smiling. The random photos that she shares of her kids and husband puts a smile on my face whenever I read her posts. I’ve never really had a pen pal and we send things every now and then back and forth. I keep hoping that we meet this year. I like talking with her because I know that I’m not alone in the food allergy world. I thought mine were bad until I got to know her and her family’s complications with food. While I am happy that she has a wonderful husband and the cutest kids ever, it reminds me of I life that I pray to have one day.

There is one customer at work that is just the type of person that can get you to open up and you feel comfortable talking with her. I told her today that I never believed women when they said they can feel the biological clock ticking. Now that I am ten months from turning 30, I can feel it. All I have wanted in life is kids and I know my parents would be okay if I never give them any grandkids, but that not what I want. Even though I wrote yesterday about my weight loss and how proud I truly am of myself, I can’t help but feel like I’m just not good enough. I don’t know why I don’t have a boyfriend and I can’t get a date. I see all of these kids around my living a life that I never did. I always played it safe and I’m okay with that, but I don’t know how my life would have been had a taken just a few chances in life. Online dating doesn’t even work for me.

I feel like it has taken me almost 30 years to give a damn and try to find who I am in this world. I just don’t want to spend my entire life alone. I want to wake up next to someone every morning and have someone to cook for or with at night. I want to be noticed and I’m not.

I feel like I’m giving up at work. While I like my job and the people I work with and I’m grateful to have a job, it’s not what I want to do. This year has already been hard for me. I didn’t make my referral goals and I know I didn’t try as hard as I could have. While my attitude at work has improved since I went on the Celexa, I feel like I can’t focus properly.

I’m sorry for this rant but I just needed to get it off my chest. I just wonder a lot of the time if I just fear life. I’m actually afraid to live out my dreams because what happens if I fail. What then? In a way, I guess I just feel lost right now.


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