My emotions have been on a rollercoaster lately and I’m not entirely sure as to why. I am almost at the beginning of week four of being sick and now it seems like I am suffering from allergies on top of everything else. I warned my boss and supervisor that I wasn’t quite myself today, especially after my vent on here last night. I’m not sure why I get like this and I am trying to figure that out so bare with me if I have a few more of those rants.
Today has been an off-day for me. I’m not sleeping very well and my supervisor at work said that it is probably because I haven’t been able to rest and sleep this cold away. One of my co-workers and I have been sick at the same time and she sounds way worse than me. It just seems like for the last couple of months I haven’t stopped. Not once. I know that takes a toll on the body and mind.
I’m tired of being sick and coughing and not being able to sleep. When I don’t work, I’m trying to clean my apartment and get it organized and decorated the way that I wanted to when I first moved in over six years ago. The one thing that hinders me from doing that is my debt. That’s another stressor that keeps me up and not and causes me to lose focus. I honestly don’t know where I fit in life and I am trying to find it.
I know that I need to get out in order to meet someone but at the same time, I’m afraid of being rejected because I have been ever since I was a teenager. I would ask a guy I really liked to dance at a school dance whenever a slow song came on and he always had an excuse not to dance with me. Instead I always got pair with the shortest kid there because I was the tallest girl and it was funny. What can I say? I have self-esteem issues. My friends have taken me to the bars here in town and as hard I can try to get noticed, I get shoved aside. You see the types of guys that I like, don’t see me. The thing that really scares me the most is that I’m a hermit and I like to be alone, but I don’t want to be that anymore.
There are times when I wonder if I’m trying to be someone that I’m not. I’m afraid to lose my tomboyish personality because that’s all I’ve ever known. I am putting more of an effort into how I look, but still trying to maintain what I have always seen in myself. I cannot help but feel lost because I really don’t know who I am or who I am supposed to be. As hard as I try, I know I’m beautiful, but I can’t see it when I look in the mirror.
Every time I try to sleep, all of these emotions and worries swim around in my head and I can’t shut out the world long enough to get the decent sleep my body needs. All I know is that something has to give eventually. I just don’t want all of these things that are swimming around in my head to interfere with work or anything else. I find it really hard to keep my train of thought. Right now, I feel like I’m floating in the air and can’t seem to find the solid ground. I’m exhausted.