Building Up the Courage

I didn’t know what to write tonight. I’ve been fighting trying to get some hot water so I can do my dishes. Must call landlord tomorrow about that.

For quite a while now, I’ve been trying to build up enough courage to really talk to a guy and possibly even ask him out. Yes I know my mother is going to read this. She reads every one of my posts. No I’m not going to tell you who he is. It would just be kind of weird. You may even know who he is.

I have written on here about my lack of a love life and how much I hate it. When it comes to guys I like I just get weird. I think not having anyone interested in me growing up (or at least not any that I was attracted to) doesn’t help now. I want to get married and have kids, but I know that will never happen if I don’t start doing something. Even if that something freaks me out more than a dead spider. I don’t know how to talk to a guy I like without becoming “one of the guys” and that tends to scare them away. I’m a tomboy. I don’t know how to be a girl. I try and fail miserably most of the time.

I had this weird dream yesterday just before I got up that I’ve been trying to make sense of it. I dreamt that Mindy, another friend (I can’t tell you who) and I were in this bridal boutique and Tim Gunn (of all people) was picking out wedding dresses for all of us. That was until I freaked out because I didn’t have one because I realized that I don’t have anyone to wear it for. I broke down in the dream and woke up crying. I try not to put much into dreams, but this one has been bothering me for a day and a half now. I’ve never had a dream about my wedding like most girls have I suppose. I mean I can picture what my dream wedding would be like, but I haven’t actually had a wedding-related dream before.

Maybe it was just stress playing with my head. It seems like ever since I had that dream I cannot get this one guy out of my head. He’s not an actor or a celebrity of any kind, but an actual person that I know. You have to understand how rare this is for me. I tend to focus on celebrities that I will never have because I know that and my heart can’t be broken if I never meet them and they get on with their lives with someone else. But to get butterflies in my stomach whenever I see him is a very, VERY rare thing and I don’t really know how to handle it. I am able to control myself around him and the one problem that I really have is that I don’t think he notices me in that way. So many people have told me to just go for it, but at the same time, getting my heart broken scares the living shit out of me. I’ve been embarrassed before by guys that I’ve like and they found out. It’s something that haunts me.

He grew up here. I know his grandparents. He’s lived outside of Bishop. My main concern that is holding me back is, is he willing to leave Bishop again? I guess I’ll figure something out.

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