Happy New Year

I cannot believe it is 2012 already. This last year flew by. One year ago I started a challenge to blog every day. I kept up with it for six months. Then I rarely blogged for the last six months of 2011. I just found that my life is not all that interesting and found it difficult to write about anything in my life. I cannot say if this year will be different as I am dealing with yet another bout of depression (I’ve forgotten to take my pills for about a week now) and stress.

I looked at the picture that was taken at Thanksgiving and noticed that I have put on almost all of the weight back on that I worked so hard to lose. My motivation is no where to be found and I’m finding my self not caring about me anymore. I kept telling myself that I was going to focus on me last year and to what end? Another year alone. Another year of listening to people being shocked that I’m still single.

This year (56 days to be exact) I turn 30 and I am not ready for it and NOT excited about it. For whatever reason 30 is HUGE for a woman and I always told myself when I was a kid that I wouldn’t be upset about turning 30, but I am. Although, back then, I thought I would be married with kids by now. I remember when my mom turned 30. Even though I look forward to spending my birthday at Disneyland, I don’t want this birthday. I will take all others, just not this one.

I tried yet again, for the second time, with online dating. The type of guy that I am interested in, wants someone who isn’t me. I’ve developed a crush on a Facebook friend of mine whom I’ve never met and probably never will. He is exactly the type of guy I want to spend the rest of my life with and there is no chance in hell I will ever get the nerve to ask if he would ever be interested. He’s fit, I’m not. I know that I won’t know anything unless I try but falling in love scares the living shit out of me. I’ve been single for so long that (like my mom says) I’m set in my ways and I’m used to being single. I’m used to living life as I am right now, but I don’t want this life. I want something completely different and I’m too scared to do anything about it. I still cannot look at myself in the mirror and see a pretty girl staring back. I just cannot do it. It’s been 9 years since my first and only kiss. Nine God damned, miserable years. Seriously, I want to know what I did in a past life to deserve this.

I did manage to go on more than one date with a guy this year, but I freaked out and broke it off before it ever got anywhere. I don’t want to live in Bishop anymore. I just don’t. This will always be home, but it’s not where I want to be. I’ve decided that I want to be in San Diego. Every time I visit it becomes harder to leave. It was like that with Phoenix too, but San Diego is different. San Diego feels like home and I cannot afford to move.


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