Glee tackled a topic tonight that touches my heart and is something that I’ve been dealing with the consequences of over the last couple of days. I’ve written about my days of being bullied in school. I am a few days away from turning 30 and the various insults I had to endure over a decade ago still hurt. Physical scars are always better than emotional scars. Physical scars fade, emotional ones never leave, they never fade, they are always with you.
Glee has tackled the bullying subject before but nothing to the level they reached tonight. It seems that their message throughout the season is “Life is short.” I cannot agree more. That is something that took me a long time to realize.
Lately, I’ve neglected taking my anti-depressant and ended up spending two full days in bed not wanting to do anything. This is not how I want to spend my life and life truly is short. My life is nowhere near where I thought I would be when entering into this stage of my life.
Starting at the age of ten, I threatened suicide for five years. I don’t know how many times I thought about ending everything. The pain was beyond words. The torture kids are capable of making is horrendous. Their taunts and name calling has stayed with me. I’ve spent the last twenty years replaying the parts of my childhood that I have not blacked out in my head. I still hear everything. I remember the pain and the fear. I want to forget but I know I never will.
While I never actually attempted suicide, I still consider that I was suicidal in that time in my life. I don’t know how many times I would look at the razor blades while I was shaving my legs and think that with a couple of painful swipes, the bigger pain would end. All of the torment and the taunting and the name calling would all go away. I had a lot of very dark thoughts go through my head during those five years.
I hate that I had to think those thoughts and feel that way, but at the same time I firmly believe that that period in my life has helped to shape me into the person I am today. The main thing that was taken from me by the bullying of my peers was my self-esteem. I to this day cannot look at myself in the mirror and see a beautiful woman standing there.
I have become so afraid of falling in love and opening up to one person that I have failed in the whole dating department. I am thirty and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I go after the type of guy that is unattainable because if I know I can’t get him, then why try. People are constantly telling me that I need to give up and something will happen. The problem with that is that I have given up my whole life and still I don’t get noticed. When I don’t try, nothing happens. When I do try, nothing happens. I’ve gotten to the point that I firmly believe that everyone has a soul mate except me. I’m starting to fully give up. All I’ve ever wanted was to fall in love, get married and start a family. I’ve been on a total of three dates in my entire life. It’s been over eight years since my first and only kiss. After all of that, why should I try? I am always hearing the girls in school tell me over and over that I will never be good enough for a guy for how can a guy like a fat girl like me. Hard as I may try, I cannot shut that little voice up that lives in the back of my mind.
I’ve watched my family and friends go off and live the type of life that I want. I’m happy for them, but at the same time I hate that when they start talking about those things, I can’t join in the conversations. I sometimes feel like a naïve sixteen year old trapped in a thirty year old’s body. I am trying so freaking hard to not fall into this dark space again, but I’m afraid that I’m already there. I’ve been through so much in my life and yet don’t have any stories to tell any future children (if I get lucky).
I love that Glee is not afraid of tackling these types of issues that kids and young adults are going through. I am glad that Mr. Schuester shared a story that his glee students could relate to. It helps to prove to the younger generations that bullying did not start with their class. It has been around for centuries and it’s unfortunate to still be ongoing today.
I will end this post by saying thank you. Thank you Glee. Thank you Fox. Thank you to the amazing cast, crew, producers, writers, directors, camera people and everyone else it takes to make Glee the success it has been. Thank you for showing what happens to those of us who have been or are being bullied. Bullying NEEDS to stop.