This is Me

I finished watching the first ten episodes of This Is Us. Amazing show. I laughed. I cried. I was able to relate to it.

Even though I haven’t blogged much in a long time, I have discussed my weight loss before. I am on that journey once again. With This Is Us, I can relate to Kate the most because I know what it’s like to be morbidly obese and to be that way for the majority of my life. Maybe not to the size that Chrissy Metz is, but she is an amazing woman. Not to mention, beautiful.

I have never looked my weight. People are shocked that, one, I’m not afraid to be honest with my weight and, two, I don’t care who knows how much I weigh. Who cares? That number on the scale does not reflect who I am as a person. I wish society could see that. NBC is tackling this subject very well along with other very difficult subjects that many families around the world can relate to.

Three and a half years ago, I was at the heaviest I’ve been in my life. I stopped stepping on the scale because I didn’t want to see THAT number on the scale. It was like, if I didn’t see THAT number, then I could never weigh what I knew I did. I weighed about 325 pounds at my heaviest. I’m not proud of that. I didn’t realize that I was that big until this summer when my grandma took a picture of me using a saw for the first time in my life. It wasn’t until I found another picture of me when I was at my heaviest that I saw the difference. I cried.


Me in 2013 (left) and me in 2016 (right)

One thing that so many people who haven’t struggled with their weight don’t understand is that when you look at yourself in the mirror every day, you tend to not notice a difference until that difference is significant. I know the pictures aren’t from the same angle, but I remember sucking in my stomach for the picture in 2013. One thing I can see in the mirror is how slimmer my face is. In the three and a half years between these pictures, I have lost 80 pounds. That is the most weight I have ever lost.

I was weighed by the doctor in 2007 at 275 pounds and by 2009 I was down to 225. Then stress at my job and depression fully kicked in and I turned to food as a comfort and ended up where I was in 2013. While I was so excited to lose 50 pounds, I ended up gaining 100. Food doesn’t judge you. Food is always there for you. So it’s understandable that so many people turn to food as a comfort.

There’s a part in This is Us where Chrissy Metz’s character Kate gets frustrated when she’s been counting her calories and closely watching what she eats. She works out so much and she barely loses the weight, where as her love interest isn’t working as hard as she is and he loses quite a bit of weight. I know that struggle. I’ve been there. I think every one struggling to lose weight has.

One thing that I’ve learned that works for me is to lose the weight really slow. I’m not in a hurry to lose my weight. I’m not on one of the weight loss shows like The Biggest Loser, Extreme Weight Loss or My 600-lb Life. What people have to keep in mind, is that on all of those shows, the participants are under strict doctor supervision. I’ve always been told by the various doctors I have over my life that people should not lose weight as quickly as they seem to on most of these shows. With that being said, I’m not a doctor, but I don’t see how losing 20 pounds in one week is healthy for anyone.

So here I am. The beginning of 2017 and I am starting this year out at 247 pounds (I gained 2 pounds over Christmas but I refuse to fret over it). While most people are making the New Year’s resolution to lose weight, I’m not. I don’t make resolutions. I will however, focus on eating less, eating healthy, drinking more water, and getting closer to my goal of 175 pounds. I have been on Weight Watchers for the last few months and I also need to focus on using their system to its full potential too since it really does work. I’m not losing weight to make anyone but myself happy. After almost losing my life in November of 2014, I just want to be healthy and be healthy for me.

Thank you NBC and the writers for This is Us. It’s a great show and it is dealing with many issues that people face every day. Thank you to the cast for giving this show life. I’m anxious to see what comes next in this heart-felt story.


Fitness Goals

I know it’s Friday and I’m supposed to be posting a Flashback but it’s okay if I don’t Flashback every week right? I mean I don’t really have a lot of pictures of me when I was a kid so it’s kind of hard to find one every week. Anyway, lately I’ve really been wanting to get back on my weight loss routine and hopefully I am. I just got back from a walk. It wasn’t as long as I had hoped but my back was starting to hurt even though I made sure to stretch before I began. Tonight I realized just how out of shape I am. Weight Watchers has a new workout spreadsheet that I printed out and I hope that will help me stay on track. I also joined a challenge on Weight Watchers – lose 5 pounds in a week and treat yourself (non-food related) – that also might help.

For the past couple of weeks I’ve watched me gain some weight back and I am doing my best not to let that get to me. I know that I will lose it again but it’s just become so frustrating that I can’t seem to lose weight no matter what I do. My walk tonight was just shy of one mile and it took me fifteen minutes. I know that doesn’t seem too bad but I walk fast and to me that is slow. When I had to walk/run a mile in PE in school, my personal best what ten minutes and I wasn’t as out of shape back then. I played soccer so I actually was kind of fit, big but still fit. Tonight I decided to set some fitness goals that I can work up to even if it takes me over a year to achieve them.

1. Push-ups. I want to be able to 50 push-up with ease and military style. I can barely do ten on my knees. How sad is that? I can’t even hold plank position in yoga. Even that has to be on my knees.

2. Sit-ups. I want to be able to 50 sit-ups with ease as well. I don’t breathe correctly doing my ab crunches so I need to work on that too.

3. Pull-ups. I have not been able to do one pull-up since I was about 12 and even then I couldn’t do very many. I played soccer for seven years so all my strength has always been in my legs.

4. I want to run no more than an eight-minute mile. Not walk, run. I can’t jog because my knees are so shot.

5. I want to do about an hour of yoga when I wake up in the morning, every morning. If you read my post last night you know that night not happen any time soon. Insomnia sucks.

6. I want to step on that scale and actually feel great about myself. Until those numbers go down, I just get depressed and then my anti-depressant kicks in and my brain doesn’t know how to react. It’s a weird feeling and very hard to describe.

7. I want to be healthy enough that when I meet a guy, I won’t feel so conscious about how I look any maybe they can see something other than a depressed soul. This also goes with the fact that I want to be healthy when I might be blessed to start having kids. I don’t want to be overweight and pregnant. I know you have to gain weight when you are pregnant but that’s different.

Most important, I just want to be healthy. Maybe losing weight will be the only thing I need to get out of this insomnia kick. I’m sick of sitting down and seeing a roll of fat drooped over my pants. Sorry for the horrible image but I had to say it. It’s true. Who knows, maybe if I just get to my goal weight, I can go off the anti-depressant. That might take a while, but I’m patient.

Getting Back into My Yoga

I haven’t done yoga since just before Easter. Why you might ask? Well I wrote about all of the stomach issues that I’ve been having but I think we just got it under control. Cross your fingers and hope for the bast. I’ve missed my yoga and I want to get back into it, but yoga is the last thing I wanted to do with a stomach ache. My debate right now is do I continue with the Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga or do I try Jillian Michaels’ 30-Day Shred? I’m not entirely sure and I know that I will go with whatever I feel comfortable with.

I didn’t really plan on writing much tonight. I’ve been busy with housework and trying to get everything straightened up. I think I’m going to pop in one of my DVDs and workout just a bit.

Getting Healthy… I Hope

I have written over and over how I need to lose weight and get healthy and that I have been doctor ordered to. Tia’s post today made me want to cry for poor Charlie who just doesn’t understand what needs to happen. Poor little guy. I want to do the same. I want to get healthy and drink more water because I tend to dehydrate faster than the normal person. Now matter how hard I seem to try, I just don’t drink water.

Last week I tried giving up coffee, or rather caffeine, but as the weekend came upon me I found myself brewing a pot of coffee and I drank nearly the entire pot. I was trying to give it up because I’ve been having stomach issues lately and can’t figure out the cause of them. After reading Tia’s post tonight I think my first assumption is the best one. I’m dehydrated. The temperatures are reaching into the 80’s and before we know it, it’s going to be 90 and then 100 degrees.

I keep trying to give up coffee or at least build up enough strength to cut back. No matter how hard I try, it doesn’t happen and I go back to my old ways. My supervisor said it best today. I just drink too much coffee. I’ve been trying really hard but I know that I can do this. I’ve gone two months before without a cup of coffee. I can do it again.

The other thing that I have been trying to do is eat healthier. Eat more fresh fruits and vegetables but when you have a million food allergies and live in a small town, that comes at a small fortune. I’m poor. Flat out. I live paycheck to paycheck and can barely afford the food that I live on. I cannot wait for the Farmer’s Market to start back up and I need to ask someone about how the community garden works. If I can grow my own vegetable and fruits, that would make eating healthier a lot easier on my VERY tight budget.

Right now, I don’t have any fresh foods, my fridge is damn near empty and my pantry is filled with mostly starches that I’m not sure I want to eat too much of. I don’t get paid until the 15th and it’s only the 2nd right now. I have paid off my second credit card and I have taken all of them out of my wallet. My parents help with my groceries but I don’t want to rely on them.

Mommy, I know you are going to read this. You read all of my posts. I am trying to be more independent. I always feel bad when I need someone else to buy something as simple as food for me. I know you say that it’s no big deal, but that’s not how I feel inside.

No matter what is going on with me lately, I am determined to make this work. I will eat healthier (somehow) and I will lose weight this year. I’m already doing that. I need to drink more water and I know it. I think for me, it’s not about drinking coffee but rather about having something hot to drink. Most of the time hot chocolate or tea just doesn’t cut it.

More Yoga

Today I got three new DVDs in the mail. All have to do with yoga because I want to really start doing it. I haven’t been keeping up with it like I wanted toward the beginning of the year. Because I’ve been playing around with food and trying new recipes to give my body something different, I gained about five pounds in a week. It’s not that I’ve lost portion control, my body is adjusting to the new foods. So now I’m going to do everything in my power to keep losing and getting fit this year.

I have written here before that The Biggest Loser saved my life. I never would have thought I could lose weight and get healthy if it wasn’t for that show. Now that I have my depression under control, I can focus on finding myself this year. I am not heavy enough to join the show and all of my food allergies wouldn’t allow me to follow their diet exactly as planned. I first joined The Biggest Loser Club in January 2008 and lost half of what I needed to lose but I then gained over half of that back.

I am pretty sure that I weighed around or over 300 pounds before a doctor finally set me straight and told me that I had to lose weight. I already am at risk of diabetes and that is something that I don’t want to deal with. I watched my great-grandmother live with diabetes and I swore to myself as a child that I would not get it. Food is weakness of mine. I find comfort in food. I played seven years of soccer when I was a kid and now I can’t run even for a little bit. One goal that I have set for myself is to run a mile, even if it takes me fifteen minutes, I just want to be able to jog non-stop for one mile. I know that if I just get my weight under control, my knees and back will start to feel better.

So tonight I tried out The Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga DVD. Man did it kick my ass!! It combines yoga and Pilates which doesn’t seem like there is too much of a difference between the two except for movement. Yoga holds the poses while Pilates you move around while in the positions, I think. I managed to do 45 minutes of the DVD, but wasn’t able to do all of the poses and when my body wouldn’t allow me, I went into the cradle position. I have always had good balance but I lost it a few times in a couple of the poses.

I’ve always liked that Bob Harper has the contestants on The Biggest Loser do yoga sometimes. People don’t think you can lose weight while doing yoga. If you’re not sweating by the end of it, you’re doing something wrong. Even I know that. One thing that I have to figure out is how to do some of the poses when my carpel tunnel in my left wrist starts to bother me.

I got three different yoga DVDs today. I know I’ll end up mixing them up to get a good workout. I just need to kick myself and start doing them, even if I hurt because I can take it easy and still get in a good workout. For once in a long time, I feel really good about myself and the direction that I am heading in.

Another Milestone

When I joined Weight Watchers, I decided on Sunday as my weigh in day. It seemed a good way to end the week. I woke up yesterday I noticed a change in my body. My stomach was flatter. I didn’t feel quite so bloated. I have been hovering at 244 pounds (yes I don’t care if I tell the world how much I weigh) and haven’t been able to get that number down no matter how hard I tried. I’m not sure if being sick helped because I barely eat when I’m sick. Coughing so much caused a constant stomach ache so the last thing I wanted was food, unless it was plain toast.

I hesitated only slightly before I stepped on the scale. I waited for the numbers to stop on whatever weight it determined. I stared at the number for a moment. It couldn’t be right. I got off, let it reset, and stepped back on. The numbers landed on the same number. 241 pounds. Really? I almost cried. I knew what the number meant.

I got onto the internet and went straight to Weight Watcher and typed in the number. When I started Weight Watchers I weighed in at 251 pounds. I have lost ten pounds in almost four months. So many people have been complimenting me on how much they can see a change. I didn’t see the change until I got my new licence in the mail. I could not believe how much my face has thinned out.

I know that I am on the right track. I plan on walking a 5k this weekend as part of a challenge that I saw somewhere here on WordPress. They are challenging people to get up and move around. I would love to work up to running a 5k but until I lose a lot of my weight and let my knees heal a little, I am unable to. Today I tried on two of my goal jeans. One pair I got on with very little pull. The other, I was able to get past my upper thighs but not quite onto my hips. I have a little way to go, but I am making progress on getting into them. I actually like writing about my weight loss because I know that I’m not the only one in this world that is in this same situation. I will keep at it and I will meet my goal. My main goal for 2011 is to get healthy and I’m on my way.

Weight Loss Rollercoaster

Like a lot of people who have dieted in their life knows, losing weight is like being on a rollercoaster. You lose and gain, lose and gain. This is my second big attempt at reaching my goal weight of 175 lbs. I mainly want to be below 200 pounds and then I will go from there to see what looks healthy for me and what makes me feel happy about myself. Lately I’ve found it hard to stay focused on exercising and I know that I haven’t done as much as I need to in order to lose weight. I have been doing the yoga but I haven’t been doing it everyday like I wanted.

It has been really difficult this last week to stay focused with how busy I’ve been and then getting sick on top of it didn’t help either. The battery in my scale also died and I haven’t been able to weigh myself in almost a month. I’m getting kind of scared to step on it rather than being excited to see what progress I have made. This has been hard for me lately and I don’t know why. I’m finding myself going back to my old ways and I don’t want that. I like eating healthy but when I get sick I tend to crave sugar. Pure sugar. I typically eat frosting right out of the can when I don’t feel good or I feel down about myself. Last week I found myself doing that. There is a reason why I have tried to keep sugar out of my apartment. I don’t want it here because I know that I will not be able to control myself.

I cannot wait for the weather to warm back up so I can get out and go for walks and not be out of breath due to the cold before I reach the end of the block. I want to wear shorts this summer and not feel horrible about how big my legs are. I want to wear tighter fitting clothes and feel good about myself in them. I want to have confidence in myself that I don’t have now. I actually want to start wearing makeup and not feel like a dork in it. I want to feel beautiful on the inside and the outside. I’m working on the inside right now and I know I need to focus on the outside equally.

I shared a picture last year that I am ashamed of. It is a me that I never in my life thought I would get to. I will share it with you again.

June 2006

I took a picture of myself tonight that I never would dare to share with anyone, until today. I feel like I need to share it with the world and not be ashamed of myself. I know in my heart that I will get to my goal. I’m determined to do so and I need to not be ashamed of the person that I am and of the person I am trying to be. There are so many things I am missing out on in life because I have been ashamed to show people the real me. This is not who I want to be yet, but I am doing my best to get there.

Be comfortable with who you are.

When I shared the first picture I explained how The Biggest Loser has saved my life and tonight I found myself really listening in on the trainers and the advise they had to give. Then I watched NCIS: Los Angeles and it starts out with Kensi boxing. That is something that I have wanted to do but never would give it a try. I want to. Really. I don’t want to go to the gym here though. I have never felt comfortable in a gym and I believe that you can do just about anything outside that you can do in a gym. I prefer to walk outside in the fresh air. This summer I want to try to hike more. I live in one of the most beautiful areas in the world and have yet to take in all of the beauty this place has to offer. I might even have my cousin take me out rock climbing or bouldering when he’s in town and not off fighting a fire. 

I am afraid to open up to people and I know that is the main reason why I am still single. I know the hardest thing for me will be convincing myself that I AM WORTH IT AND I AM BEAUTIFUL.