Flashback Friday: San Francisco

L-R: David, Me, Bryan, some random kid who got in the picture.

Growing up, I had always wanted to see the Golden Gate Bridge and San Francisco. I got my wish when my uncle David married Tracee on April 13th, 2002. I think one of the things that intrigued me the most about San Francisco was the cable cars. I never got to ride one until the night of David and Tracee’s wedding. I don’t think either of them wanted a “traditional” wedding so they had a quite ceremony on the beach (or somewhat on the beach, close enough anyway) below the Point Montera Lighthouse in Montera, California just south of San Francisco. We couldn’t have a reception or really celebrate at the lighthouse where all of us were staying as well (it’s a hostel) so instead, we went into the city. David took my brother Bryan and I on the cable car where we would get off at The Embarcadero. It cost us $2.00 and I still have my stubs and Bryan’s sitting in one of my scrapbooks. I got to experience so many things during that trip: my first cable car ride, seeing the Golden Gate Bridge, seeing Alcatraz (from a distance, but at least I can say I’ve seen it), my first subway (a.k.a. The Bart) ride over to Oakland, my first time in Oakland, eating at Zachary’s pizza in Oakland, eating at Bubba Gump’s, seeing Pier 39, walking by the Giradelli Chocolate place (my favorite chocolate, and yes I like it better than Hershey) and the first time staying at a lighthouse.

Before David, Bryan and I took the cable car back to the other turn around point I told David that I wanted to ride the cable car and hang onto the pole. I think my cousin Genaphur snapped this picture before we began our ride back through the city. At some point David and I switched places and I was in the front. I was right next to this one lady and her young daughter who were sitting on the bench when a car ran a red light forcing the cable car driver to slam on the brakes. I remember the pole I was holding on to hitting my chest, the lady grabbing her daughter closer to her and the various words out of the driver’s mouth. I think he asked if everyone was alright before continuing on. I knew that the cable cars passed each other very close but I never thought it would be THAT close. Riding the cable car while holding onto the pole was one of the most unique and best experiences I think I could have ever imagined. Some day I know I’ll make it back to San Francisco. What? I want to visit the Winchester Mansion in San Jose so why not just see San Francisco too while I’m at it? 

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Please make the tears stop…

WARNING: I’m going to vent again and might say some things I don’t necessarily mean. Deal with it. I’m pissed.

Depression sucks!! I never would have thought I’d get to this place that I’m at right now. I hate this dark feeling that has fallen over me this past week. Like I’ve said in past blog posts, I don’t know how to really vent in person and what can I say, I like to vent in writing. Nothing can get twisted and turned in a way that can be used against you in the future to make someone else look or feel better. I will deal with any repercussions that come of this. But after the week I’ve had, I have to get some things off my chest and I know this isn’t the best way to do it but it’s my way. If you can’t mind your own business and plan to turn me into the people I may talk about, get the fuck off of here and don’t read any further.

I can’t leave my feelings “at the door” like it’s been suggested to me in the past for some things I’ve talked about on the internet. Like anyone can. As humans we have feelings and those feeling can be more powerful than we can imagine. You can’t just shut certain ones off just to make others feel better. I bottle things up too much until I crack. Like I am now. I have been awake on this Saturday for two hours (and it’s only 1:30pm as I write this) and I have not cried for about 30 minutes since waking up.

What can I say, I hate my life. I love most of the people who are in it but I hate that I seem to have fallen into an abyss and don’t know how to climb out of it. Or if I really want to. I know I make others feel like shit when I’m this way and I truly am sorry for it. I know I should see a doctor about this, but cannot afford it even with insurance nor any medications that a doctor might prescribe. I don’t know if a pill can help me nor change the things in my life that have somehow pissed me off this much. I’m sorry but a pill won’t find me a job I love in a different place in this world, or find me a guy who is willing to take on the mental case I’ve become.

And to the people who will know what I’m talking about – me getting laid isn’t going to solve my problems either, so please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BACK OFF!!!!!!! Stop trying to get me to spread my legs for any guy who appears to be single that walks through the door. I believe in falling in love first. I’ve also realized that I’m probably never going to. Somehow I will learn to deal with it eventually. Right now though, I’m a mess and I know it. I’m trying to understand how my life turned out this way and why. I don’t know what I have done to deserve this. No guy that I’m even remotely attracted to, gives a damn about me. So why try? I’ve tried in the past and never got noticed. I don’t try, I don’t get noticed. What’s the point?

I’ve come to the understanding that the sole purpose of my life to take up someone else’s air and space. I don’t feel wanted by anyone other than my family and friends. While I’m grateful for that, I want to feel wanted by someone else but I don’t believe he’s out there and if he is, where? If by some miracle I do get to become a mother, I don’t have anything to share with a child. I don’t know what it’s like to get asked to a dance in school or go on a date at a young age (or any age for that matter). I don’t know what it’s like to go to party, be a rebel, get drunk (and I have no desire even now to get drunk, but have been tempted to lately) and be a disappointment for a short time. Instead, I have a life of being miserable to share. What kind of advice is that? I had my first kiss at 21 and I’m the one who kissed him because he was being a smart ass for a few days to me (he’s married now). I haven’t been kissed since.

The last thing for me right now is that can people stop talking to me like I’m five? I’m 28 for Christ’s sake! I’m not going to do anything you ask me to do if I’m treated like a child or an idiot. Don’t expect more of me than what I can give. Then make me feel like shit when I fail.

I’m sorry if I have upset or pissed any of you off. I know I have vented about that majority of this before. I’m sorry that I feel I have failed at life. I’m sorry I’m the only single, unmarried person at work. And last, I’m sorry if I have started to drag any of you into the darkness that is slowly consuming my soul. I’m sorry.